Dirty Little Kid

I blew my nose in a rubber garden hose.
It stopped up the end and it never worked again.

I wiped my feet on a piece of chicken meat.
My Momma had to cook it twice 'cause it didn't taste so nice.

My Momma said, “Oh Sid, what makes you such a dirty kid?
Was it something that I did to make you such a dirty kid?”

‘Cause I put my socks in an empty cardboard box.
The box started smokin’ and my Momma started chokin’.

Then I washed a pair of my dirty underwear.
I guess that wasn’t smart ’cause the washer fell apart.

My Momma said, “Now Sid, please try to be a cleaner kid
Please clean your room or close your door
‘cause I can’t see your bedroom floor.”

When I finally reach thirteen I think I’ll probably go clean.
I may even take a shower every hour on the hour.

‘Cause I had a dream that made me wanna scream.
My Momma put me up for sale for just one dirty fingernail.

My Momma put me up for bid for being such a dirty kid!
Can I stay clean? Heaven forbid!! I’m just a dirty little kid.

The End

Bartholomew Gnu

Bartholomew was a BIG BLUE GNU
Who lost his voice and couldn't moo!
He went to the doctor who worked at the zoo
to talk to the Doc about what he could do.

The Doc said, "I'm pretty sure Bartholomew,
that you have a case of the BIG BLUE GNU FLU.
There's only one thing I can do for you
and that's give you the cure... BIG BLUE GNU FLU GOO."

"OH NO, NOT THE GOO!" cried Bartholomew
"I took the GOO once in two thousand and two.
It had the worst taste that I ever knew.
Isn't there anything else I can do?"

"Don't worry," said Doc to Bartholomew,
"This BLUE GNU FLU GOO is improved and brand new!
It's better than GOO made in two thousand and two.
The smell is quite different and the color is too.

If you want to stay healthy, as all of us do,
then you must take the GOO because it's good for you.
So just hold your nose and swallow the GOO
and your FLU will be gone just as soon as you do."

So Bartholomew Gnu took the BLUE GNU FLU GOO
and it tasted quite yukky as all FLU GOOs do,
but it cured his MOO problem, now he's good as brand new
and can once again moo as all BIG BLUE GNUs do.

The End

The Wild Kapoo

The funniest thing that a kid can do
is talk face-to-face with a Wild Kapoo.
Kapoos are strange birds 'cause they're really not birds.
They snore and they tap dance and play tricks with words.

They speak in tongue twisters and sometimes in rhyme.
They love to mix kids up. They have a great time.
They sing funny songs and they swing in tall trees
and they play volleyball as they hang from their knees.

They're short, fat and round and they're covered with hair,
and their six-foot long tails stick straight up in the air.
They look rather strange with their feet on the ground
'cause their bottoms stick up and their ups -- they stick down.

Kapoo families are so close they stick close as glue.
Their last names are the same and their first names are too.
They live their lives in an unusual way
because their favorite thing is to KAPOO all day.

Shaun met a Kapoo in the local town zoo.
It was eighty degrees and the sky was bright blue.
The Kapoo was KAPOOING in his regular way
and Shaun was quite shocked by his zany display.

"What are you doing?" she asked in a nice way.
"I'm KAPOOING!" he answered, "I do this all day."
"Well, what is KAPOOING?" she asked with a smile.
"It's what I am doing. Don't I do it with style?"

"If that's what you call style then I can't really say
because I've never seen you KAPOO 'til today.
Please explain what it is then I'm sure I could tell
whether you KAPOO badly or you KAPOO well."

He studied her carefully then turned upside down
which turned his big smile to a serious frown.

"I'll tell you," he said "what KAPOOING's about,
but then you must promise not to let it out.
It's a closely held secret in the land of KAPOO.
If it ever gets out, I don't know what we'd do.

Most Kapoos would tell you what KAPOOING is NOT!
They will say what it's NOT to confuse you a lot.
Kids know how to KAPOO even though they're not told
but they always forget how to when they grow old.

KAPOOING's not climbing or hanging in trees
or running or singing or buzzing like bees.
But I won't put your poor little brain in a fizz.
I will simply tell you what KAPOOING is.

KAPOOING is doing what makes others smile,
what makes people happy - at least for a while.
Once you've KAPOOed someone it's easy to see
that you're the KAPOOer - they're the KAPOOee.

The greatest KAPOOer of all KAPOOkind
was Magruder Magruder of the Magruder line.
He taught us that LOVE was the name of the game,
and now he is in the KAPOO Hall of Fame.

Now here’s some advice that was given to me
when I started KAPOOING at the young age of three.
When you start KAPOOING, remember this rhyme
and you’ll leave a joyful KAPOOee each time.

IF IT BRINGS A SMALL SMILE OR ERASES A POUT
OR DRIES UP A TEAR — THEN KAPOO YOUR HEART OUT!”

Shaun thought about this for a good little while.
Then she turned around slowly and started to smile.
She planned KAPOO plans — she could not wait to start.
She wanted to try to patch up broken hearts.

The Kapoo had told Shaun she would slowly forget
just how to KAPOO, but she hasn’t stopped yet,
because she’s still KAPOOING and making a name.
In fact, she is in the KAPOO Hall of Fame.

The End

The High Flying Spoof

A high-flying Spoof and a low-flying Spoof
crashed into each other right over our roof.
One was on his way up — one was on his way down
when they met head and hoof
and fell straight to the ground.

“I’ll excuse you this time,” said the high-flying one,
“but you should not take off ’til my flying is done!
I am George Aloof Spoof. I know you know my name.
I’m the most famous Spoof in the Spoof-flying game.

I’ve flown CIRCLES around other Spoofs of your kind.
I have wound them in circles they could not unwind.
I fly circles like no Spoof before me has flown
and it’s for these great CIRCLES that I am well known.

I am great – I am grand – I’m a wonder to see.
All the Spoofs in the Clan want to fly just like me.
So if you get the chance you should pull up a seat
and watch George Aloof Spoof do his great circling feat.”

“You’re amazing, it’s true,” sighed the low-flying one.
“The Great-Spoof-In-The-Sky’s made you second to none.
But the skill that you have isn’t due just to you
’cause you had lots of help as all young Spooflings do.

When you were a young Spoof, you flew STRAIGHT like I do.
You were probably clumsy and slow like me too,
but you learned from mistakes and from Spoof Flying school
and from kindly old Spoofs in the Spoof Teaching pool.

So be nice when you fly into Spoofs of my kind.
We’re a lot like you were and I’m sure you will find
if you teach us young Spoofs how to be like you are
that you could be the greatest in Spoofdom, by far.

For when one has learned how to Spoof like you can
one should share those great truths with the whole Spoofing Clan.
Because if you don’t share, which is the Spoofing Way
then you could be a forgotten Spoofer one day.”

But George Aloof Spoof would not take this advice
and continued to spoof and to not be so nice.
He cared about none but himself, so you see
when his spoofing days stopped he was sad as could be.

For young Spoofs now flew CIRCLES and SWIRLS in the air
and great FIGURE-EIGHTS too with miraculous flair.
And the young Spoof’s prediction was true, and here’s proof:
because no one remembered old George Aloof Spoof.

The End

All the content on DirtyLittleKids.com is the original creation of Tom Herod.

Tom is a 71 year old kid with 3 kids and 6 grandkids.

Favorite Pastime:
Thinking up new and unique ways to get everybody in trouble.

Favorite Saying:
It's no fun if you're not having fun!

Want to see more of what I do?  Go to ThomasHerod.com